Let's Just Say the British are Coming
by martinique.erotic
Summary: There might be that Shizuo guy, yeah. Maybe that Izaya guy, too. Let's face it, though - who's really the most dangerous person in Ikebukuro? Karisawa Erika at that certain time of the month.


To an anon who left a certain comment: Yes, I am almost 98% certain that Erika makes Kyohei and Saburo buy her pads on a regular basis. I think as men, since they would be pathetic and clueless, they'd only buy the really high quality stuff for fear of getting the wrong thing and thus keep her from having to pay for any of it. Erika is shameless enough to make those kinds of demands, right? Besides, the image of the two of them standing on _that_ isle trying to decide is enough amusement in itself. Maybe that would have made a better fic. Anyway, all characters and story elements belong to Ryohgo Narita and are copyrighted. Enjoy!

* * *

It was a quiet night in the district of Ikebukuro, a night in mid-March when the weather was plain and the sky was overcast - overcast if you could have seen it, if the sky hadn't been blackened by the barely post-winter darkness. If he were the sort to stop and feel it, a certain bartender-dressed man might have felt a brisk wind that blew in-between the buildings, rushing through the spaces between them like water in a river. Another certain man, darkly-clad in a coat heavy for this time of year, might have noticed how large the moon seemed. A certain biker may have decided it felt particularly warm that night, at least as opposed to the more recent weather that week. But in general, in the main view of things, it was a quiet night in the district of Ikebukuro, nearly indistinguishable from any other.

And such would be the viewpoint of four certain young adults, young adults who just happened to be collected in a certain army-green van that sped down the road, broadcasting from its speakers a Ruri Hijiribe single at such a volume that anyone from a 20-meter radius could hear it clearly. In the front seats, two men sat with nonchalantly plain facial expressions, more relaxed than anything else. In the back, Yumasaki Walker held the current month's copy of Dengeki Bunko, eyes widening occasionally as he took in the update of Kuroshitsuji, as beside him, Erika leaned her head against the window, eyes closed as if she was asleep. Or at least, that would have been the driver's observation, viewing her once or twice in the rear-view mirror to make sure.

"Hey... Kadota," he said eventually in a voice just above a whisper, eyes remaining fixed on the road. Beside him, Kyohei turned in response.

"Not... that I care, because I don't, and not because I would be looking, because I wasn't, but I couldn't help but notice..." Kadota blinked. "Do they look... bigger to you?" Registering what he meant after a few momeants, the other man turned his head to the side casually, fixing his eyes upon the sole female in the group.

"They... yeah, definitely," he agreed finally, giving a small nod and a focused sigh. It wasn't perversion, no, it was... masculinity. Masculinity made it imperative not to... not to stare at breasts and not to go out of ones way to observe them, but to... to keep, by default, a mental record of surrounding females' chest sizes, that was all. Keeping a record. Not intentionally, and not with perversion, but in a way that was not to be noticed unless the regular pattern was disrupted. And tonight... well, even on a girl like Erika, it couldn't be helped but to acknowledge their enlarged size. Even on a girl like Erika...

"I thought they were."

"At least to a B," he added with a nod.

"Yeah, at the _very_ least."

"Hey, are you guys talking about Erika's breasts?" Yumasaki looked up suddenly from his manga, joining the two in the same hushed tone but with much less self-awareness. The pair paused suddenly, jerking their gazes back to straight in front of them, Kadota clearing his throat.

"Yumasaki, you-" Togusa answered, a warm rush of embarassmeant washing over him.

"What~?" he whined in his typical tone, "It's not like I'm g-" his sentence was interrupted with a gasp as he turned the page, returning his gaze to the magazine. "Erika! Erika!" He nudged her, then grabbed her arm and shook her, still holding the book in his other. "Erika, have you read this chapter yet? Have you?" he interrogated, back to his regular voice, excitement tugging at the edges of it. Saburo and Kyohei exchanged eye rolls.

In the back seat Walker continued to shake the girl's arm, intensifying until her entire torso began to sway. "Erika! You _have_ to read this, Sebastian is_ definitely_-"

_"Yumacchi!"_

The boy barely registered the unfamiliar, nearly unrecognizable harsh tone to be her voice before feeling his arm swatted away from her body. Her eyes, now open, glared at him, darkly and without interest.

"Yumacchi, I_ swear_. Is it_ impossible_ for you to _shut up_ for more than two seconds, or is not speaking some sort of concept too profound for you?"

"E...Er-" Her counterpart just stared back at her, unable to do more than attempt to form her name in his mouth, stunned by her sudden outburst.

"Have you_ ever, ever_ _once_ taken into account that just _maybe,_ no one_ cares_ about about your constant urges to verbally spew whatever thoughts come to your mind? Sometimes I can't even _begin_ to know what goes through that nonexistent mind of yours," she snapped with frustration, rolling her eyes dramatically and returning her head to the window.

"Wha... wh..." Yumasaki remained frozen in his previous pose, still apparently unable to speak. Togusa and Kadota froze as well in the front seat, looking at one another with eyes widened, the same thoughts circulating around the van, and for an extremely awkward stoplight and two blocks, nobody dared to speak.

"E-Erik-ka" Walked managed eventually, his face looking on the verge of tears, his mouth still agape. "I-I'm sorry, I, uh... A-are you feeling okay, Erika?" His voice shook pathetically.

"Walker..." she growled back irritably, not bothering to open her eyes or lift her head from the car's door.

Kadota and Saburo exchanged another look, a sudden aura of dense tension settling over the vehicle. "Erika," the former started finally, breaking the new-found silence. "Not that I don't agree with everything you just said," he smiled vaguely, "but if you want to go home, we can-"

"Maybe, Togusa," she interrupted, glaring suddenly in his direction,"Maybe what I_ really_ want is for you to turn off this musical shit and stop blasting this teenage girl crap like it's necessary or even tolerable to hear anything this loud, especially whatever the fuck this bitch is moaning about."

His face flushed suddenly. "R-Ruri Hijiribe is _not-_"

"Togusa..."

"Erikaa! Uaaah! Some sort of extraterrestrial demon force has possessed Erika! She's being taken over by a terrible tsukkomi monster who-"

"Yumasaki!"

"But I'm not kidding, she-!"

"Yumasaki, you really don't have any common se-"

"Togusa, the road!"

The car swerved violently.

"Do you think it wasn't extraterrestrials then? Spirits?" he shouted over the music, grabbing onto the back of Kadota's seat to regain balance.

"Yumasaki, I-" Kyohei rested his forehead in a hand.

"But really, Ka- eh?" He felt a sudden touch on his shoulder, and looked to the left to notice Erika's head resting on it, her body shaking.

"E-eeh? Erika?" he stared at her, dumbfounded, uncertain of what to say. Togusa returned his gaze to the rear view mirror, squinting in confusion. Kadota remained in his previous stance, massaging a temple as if he had a headache. Tiny sobs escaped her.

"Um, E... Erika...?" he lifted a hand awkwardly and touched her shoulder.

"Y-Yumacchi~" she whined, her face buried in his hoodie, "I... I, I..."

Walker glanced over to Saburo, asking him with his eyes desperately what he should do. The driver replied with a shrug.

"Yumacchi, I... I'm so sorry, I just... I'm so..." she sniffled, until her coherent words broke into a louder series of sobbing.

"Erika, aaah, you, um... y-you really must not be feeling well, so-" he managed, lifting a hand to her forehead. Her wails grew louder.

"It's j-just that I... that I... wh-what should I do, Yumacchi~? I, I-"

"Wait, I'm confused. What happened?"

"Yu-Yumachiiiiiiiii~" her sobs broke out.

Kadota and Saburo both relinquished their previous nonchalant expressions to peer around the seats and stare at the scene behind them.

"E-Erikaaa, I, I..." Yumasaki tried, visibly confused and flustered by Erika's peculiar behavior. Togusa gazed in-between shock and amused laughter. Kadota watched in bewilderment.

"What... Wh-why do I just... why am I so..." her shoulders shook as she continued to bawl.

"Erika, i-it doesn't matter! Whatever it is, it's not a bi-"

"But I, I'm so..." she sniffled, "I'm so **_fat_**, Yumacchi!" Karisawa broke into incoherent sobs once more.

"K-Karisawa, you are not-" Kadota started suddenly from the front seat, before whatever he had intended to continue to say was drowned out by a combination of the music and Erika's wales.

"E-Erika, you, um, y-you... you have a nice body! Nice, like Chane's!"

"Ch-Chane isn't_ fat_, Yumacchi!"

"Even if you _were_ fat, Erika, it isn't like we would be able to tell," Togusa started with a smile, receiving an agape stare from Yumasaki. "You wear that black thing everyday, and you're not exactly the type of girl tha-"

"Togusa." Kadota shook his head.

"Erika! I don't understand! Y-you don't need to cry over this, it's okay!" Walker started quickly with a desperate sense of urgency, feeling Karisawa's tears soaking through his jacket. "You look exactly the same as you always do!"

"Oh, _great, thanks_ Yumacchi" she bawled, "so I _always_ look this fat to you? I'm just hideous?"

"E-Erika, no! You, uh, you always just look- I mean you always don't look-"

Tears streamed down the girl's cheeks as she looked up from Walker's shoulder, staring at him miserably, her lips parted slightly.

"You..." his voice finally drowned out, giving her a blank look, frightened out of his mind to add anything at all. Kadota and Togusa exchanged glances before turning to her once more, the van silent if not for the electronic pop music that still blasted from its speakers.

"Ka... ri..."

Suddenly, she collapsed onto Yumasaki's lap.

"E-Erika~?" he whined, overcome by a combination of confused sympathy (70%) and self-pity for being the target of her antics once more (30%). "Erika...?"

Her head on his legs, she clutched her lower stomach, closing her eyes and moaning.

"A-are you okay, Erika?" he managed.

"Christ, Yumacchi, how do I _look?_ Do I _look_ okay?" she snapped, returning with a jolt to her previously purely irritable mood.

"Um, y-you look... you look... skinny...?"

In the front seat, Kadota and Togusa remained speechless, partially amused by Yumasaki's awkward desperation, partially just as stunned as he was. Had some major tragedy occurred in Karisawa's personal life that they just didn't know about? Did she have an unbeknownst to them fish that had died? Had Yozakura Quartet been discontinued? Similar thoughts ran through both minds, while Yumasaki's mind remained too flustered to form actual thoughts. Erika moaned once more.

"A-are you sick, Erika?" he tried finally, laying his palm once more upon her forehead. "We... maybe you should go home and sleep..." he suggested shakily, inwardly desperate for such a terrible, confusing night to be over. She mumbled something seemingly to herself, inaudible over the roar of the van and the ceaseless music.

"Wait... what?"

"...dol..." he heard her say, still not loudly enough to comprehend.

"Ehh?"

"Midol."

"...What?"

"MI-DOL._ MIDOL_. Are you too dense to understand?" she demanded, frustration filling her voice. "_Togusa!_" she snapped, causing him to freeze and return her glance though the rear view mirror, one part irritated and two parts terrified. "Where's the fucking _Midol?_" she cried, her gaze harsh and unwavering.

"Wh... Midol? Why the hell would I keep _that_ with me?" he replied, his cheeks reddening.

"Erika," Kadota tried finally with a sigh. "I have some Maxalt if you-"

"Well _great,_ how would _that_ help me?" she snapped, her voice returning to it's shaky, previous state. Kyohei accepted her response and turned back forward, closing his mouth. No, if there was one thing he knew about women, without a doubt, it was when to submiss under all circumstances.

"E-Erika, um..." Yumasaki choked, attempting to repress whatever yandere demon had possessed his best friend, but finding himself unable to comprehend even a little what she wanted him to do.

"I swear, Yumacchi, if you say one more thing that isn't-"

"_Geez_ Togusa, just get some Midol already!"

"Y... you can't be serious," he replied, meeting Walker's stare in the mirror before rolling his eyes and making a u-turn.

* * *

"That was... embarrassing."

"A man has to have the balls to do things like this for his girl, Togusa," Kadota said stoically. The two of them made their way from the convenience store across the street to the van, a plastic bag in Saburo's hand.

"Yeah, but she's not my girl," he replied flatly. Kadota gave a small sigh.

"Alright, we got you damn Midol," Saburo snapped finally as he opened the door, tossing the bag in Karisawa's direction in the back seat as he climbed in.

"Thanks, Togusacchii~!" was her immediate response, looking up from the manga she shared with Yumasaki and leaving the bag where it was. Togusa and Kadota paused and looked at eachother, stunned.

"Karisawa, you..."

"We've been gone for ten minutes..."

"He~ey, you know what I'm really craving guys? Something sweet! You know?" She leaned forward towards Kadota's seat as Togusa pulled the van out of parallel park.

"Karisawa, five minutes ago you were craving french fries!" Yumasaki cried.

"But you know what sounds really, really good right now? Cookie dough! Right?" she chirped, smiling back at the other.

"Like... raw?" Saburo eyed her warily.

"Yeah, yeah!"

"That sounds..."

"...ew."

"No, no! It's_ good!_ Come on!"

"Where can you get stuff like that, anyway?"

"Like, a grocery store. As in somewhere I'm not turning around and driving to."

"Kadota, you're awfully quiet tonight..."

"I... yeah."

"Kadota! You don't think you're getting what Erika has, do you?"

Togusa smirked at him.

"No, I... wouldn't say that."

"But that _might_ be the case, right?" Saburo teased in response.

"This coming from a guy who wears skinny jeans and wakes up to teen pop music."

"H-hey, wai-"

The conversation was interrupted by sudden sobs coming from the back seat.

* * *

After making yet another u-turn, driving to a grocery store, walking in and buying raw cookie dough, returning to the van, walking back into the store, buying four different brands of potato chips, returning to the van, and finally getting back to drive, Erika sat slumped with her eyes closed against Yumasaki, who leaned back with a blank expression, eating a bag of chips himself. Togusa sat at the wheel, a flustered expression remaining on his face. Kadota rested his head against the back of his seat. It was a quiet night in the district of Ikebukuro.

"Hnnngh~ What a weird day~"

"Yumasaki..."

"Erika's been possessed by a vengeful yandere spirit!" he sighed, resting his chin in his hand nonchalantly. "And all the spirit wants to do is eat cookie dough and potato chips and sleep on me."

"Yumasaki..."

"All this for bigger breasts, that's the only good part... but I can't deal with this forever! I don't care about boobs, not that much! I want Karisawa ba-!"

"_Yumasaki..._"

"Hmmm?"

"Yumasaki, you really don't..." Saburo trailed off from the front seat, eyeing him.

"Don't what? ...What?"

Kadota and Togusa exchanged glances once more.

"It's not an evil spirit, it's..."

"It's what? Wait, what?"

"Yumasaki, she's a girl."

"Okay..."

"So she..."

"And next week she'll..." Kadota added.

Kyohei and Saburo turned to him, attempting to decode understanding from his blank, naiive facial expression. Walker cocked his head to the side.

"Wait..." he widened his eyes, looking to her and back to them.

Saburo gave a slow nod.

Kadota lowered his head in approval.

"K-KARISAWA'S PREGNANT?"

Though the warm Ikebukuro night, a loud smack could be heard.


End file.
